My husband took a new job at the beginning of the year. He’s been traveling off and on. At first when we were talking about him taking this job, we thought it would be a matter of just getting used to new routines and I’d be able to write in the evening once the Entropy Machine goes down.
K, ready for this? I don’t say it much, so pay attention. I was wrong. Holy shit. Running the Good Ship Trimble on my own is hard as hell. All the single mom authors out there, my hat goes off to you. JK Rowling and Toni Morrison off the top of my head. I really don’t know how they did it. I don’t know if it’s the intensive Attachment Parenting organic food mumbo jumbo stuff of today or what, but, God Almighty, by the time the Entropy Machine is ready for bed, I am too. It’s all I can do to keep things running.
Toddlers, as much as they like schedules, are still tiny decision eating demons. They want to wear their Elsa dress, they want to watch their princess shows, they want songs, MILK! MILK!!, they want the blue water bottle not the green one and random freak outs over I’m still not really sure what. They use up so much mental and emotional energy.
I guess I could circumvent this by waking up early to write, but, I am not a morning writer. I am a by the light of the moon and song of crickets kind of writer. The wee hours of the night. Morning writing is only for, “OH SHIT!! This paper is due at 10:30 and I still need to finish it!” Never my best writing. In any case, I have zero desire to become a morning writer.
I didn’t realize how much I would be sacrificing. By this time last year, I had writting 165,277 words. My grand total for this year, 81,927. Well, a bit more than that. I have a couple pages that still need to be transcribed. But certainly, less than 100k. My writing has struggled so much. My revision work has too. I’ve gained fifteen pounds. My long, solitary walks with my dogs have fallen by the wayside. By the time the Hubs comes home, I’m so tired of being with the little one all the time that I just want to veg and let my brain know that it is in charge of no one and I am asking nothing of it. But, the Hubs is tired from travel and he just wants to veg too.
I don’t know if it was the way I was raised, but I do not like asking for help. I do not like asking other people to make sacrifices for me. I know I’ve touched on this before, being scared/unworthy of success. I think this comes back to that. This is also a convenient out for why LuLo isn’t out yet. “Been too hard with the Hubs gone.” That and my cover designer still has my cover. But, I might have to actually ask and fight and bare (bear? God, my brain is so totally fried!!) my freshly manicured nails and eke out some space for me and my work.
Although, I will be the first to say it, Saying it and doing it are completely different things. (Like my Whole30 that fell by the wayside. What was that about ego depletion? lolol)
Maybe I will start writing in the morning. This month’s Camp NaNoWriMo is going about as well as you’d think it would. 4k in. Or maybe I won’t wake up early. I might have to do some real soul searching and see where I stand with everything.
How much do I have? How much of myself do I give to my family? How much can I keep for myself? I know this is a common question we ask ourselves, but how much do we sacrifice? How much can I sacrifice? Is it a sacrifice to give all of myself to my kid? She didn’t ask to be born. She also didn’t ask for a totally burned out mom. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I dunno.
Sometimes I think if the year hadn’t started with that shitstorm, things would be better. But, that’s just shifting the blame. Ugh ugh ugh. Maybe I’m a little depressed too. The weather has been crap and I just want to get up into the hills for some quiet and coyotes and bobcats. (Salt Lake has some fantastic hikes and wildlife a stone’s throw from the city)
Anyway. Just barfing out my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to sort through them. I always knew being a mom would be hard, but, I don’t know if I planned on this. Anyway— till tomorrow